Dear reader entry #00
Updated: Apr 6
Hey you. How was your day? I hope it was nice. The sun was out and I hope at least one of us got to soak up some of its warmth.
For me though? Today was rough. In comparison to the wonderful day in the studio yesterday, today was definitely rough. And my day's only halfway done! I still have to get ready and go to the bar to host karaoke night. Gah!
Yesterday I spent in the studio recording some songs that I wrote. I'm really excited to share them to y'all one day especially since it sounded really good. Anyway, the songs are about love. Both its joy and pain. And something I experienced yesterday was that revisiting those songs to record even in the slightest, opened up the floodgates to my emotions. I went home after recording all day and just cried myself to sleep.
Songs are time capsules to us songwriters. They are emotions in musical form.
And yesterday, I opened up that time capsule and remembered all the wonderful things about my Love. I miss him so so much. And it pains me to think about how different things are now that it's all over. It's crazy how much things have changed. I never thought I'd find myself here where the most happy memories would bring me such sorrow. Missing someone hurts so much when you know that you'll be missing them for a long long time.
Today was extra tough because I still feel the effects of revisiting some of those emotions, when I was in the middle of work and had a really tough phone call. That led me to a big panic attack. I haven't had an intense one of those in a long time. But today? I remembered what it was like again to completely forget how to breathe. After that call I drowned in my sorrow once again and struggled to soothe myself for a good 15 minutes. Thank god my roommate was around to notice me being a hot mess. He offered a hug and so I continued to cry in his arms while I held an ice pack until my breath regulated again.
He and I talked about it for a but which helped me process things.. but then I continued to cry but not as intensely after he continued on with his day. And in an attempt to keep myself from spiraling, I'm writing to you. Hello.
This break up has brought me so much pain.
I've cried for months now because I love this man so much. But this time my tears aren't even about hope on the relationship anymore. They're just tears of acceptance. I know I can't change what is. I know I can't make him love me like before. And that really sucks because I really did believe in our Love. I'd be lying if I said I don't anymore... The hope I feel is simply fading away. And that somehow hurts me so much as well. It's so sad to experience a connection so dear to you transform into something so full of pain. I don't even know how I still have the capacity to tell myself that I can still Love after all of this. I love Love so I know I will love again, I'm just not as optimistic as I once was.
The truth is that I'm so scared. Scared that the next time I open up my heart, soul and my spirit to another human, this shit will happen again. I'm not completely afraid to love again, but I just know that it would really break my faith in Love if this happens again at this intense level.
I'm not so sure anymore if there's anyone out there who would have the capacity to love me right. I mean.. I have yet to meet a person who would sweep me off my feet and out love me, y'know? Is there even such a thing? Guess I won't know til I experience it.
Eeeee I feel my thoughts going in circles. I should pause now before I spiral.
Anyway, I deleted Instagram off my phone. I needed to break my bad scrolling habits.
It's not like I have a reason to be on my phone all the time anyway. No one is looking for me or at me and I have nothing of any value to share as of this moment. All I have are these thoughts, these intense emotions, too big for the character limit on an Ista post description box. So here I am. Sharing my healing in pseudo silence and publishing a blog in the hopes that another broken heart can feel less alone.