Dear reader entry #02
For the ones that actually read this blog, hello. Welcome back :)
It is with deep gratitude that I say my thanks and to continue to share my deepest thoughts with you. I feel scared but grateful to be seen. It is extremely vulnerable to be here! But nonetheless, here I am. Warts and all. Hello.
July happened so quickly and as Time keeps passing, the more the lived moments I've had this month turn into fleeting memories. I'm a little bit scared because I feel like I took one breath on the first day of July and the moment I exhaled I turned 28 and summer is over in 2 weeks. Where DID the Time go? Is this adulthood? Because Time feels like it's happening much quicker...
July was full of late nights, dancing and spontaneity.
I remember several times where I went home and the sun was rising! I can confidently say that at one point I participated in a doggy date with some work friends and it was 4am. I remember going home from a long night of adventuring that day and taking photos of the sky and there was daylight. I was getting on the Uber home and someone was passing me as they were going for their morning run. Haha. Those were good times that I will forever cherish. Sunrises in the prairies are just as beautiful as their sunsets. Did you know that? I guarantee you, they are.
July was also abundant in tears.
At one point I was so anxious I was out every weekend. I'm slowly mellowing out now but I remember feeling really sad those days. I guess I was going out to run from my own fears. I was feeling really existential. I had to really sit down and ask myself again what the hell I was doing. Thinking back, I'm sure that all that energy spent was also because a part of me was running away from the loneliness that came with going home to my bed alone. It's not because I miss him. It's because I missed feeling held.
I remember a couple Christmases ago I attended a house party with some friends and wound up having to share a couch to crash in with this gentleman. He and I had known each other for a while and were good friends. Good enough for us to both feel comfortable to share the couch and cuddle until we both fell asleep. We held each other safely all night, nothing more and nothing less. I slept well, too. I remember waking up the next day, still fully clothed and saying good morning and then exchanging our thanks to each other with warm smiles. It's like we both knew how that shared moment of intimacy for a couple of hours, just holding each other, was what we both needed that night. To just be held.
It wasn't about the cuddles. It was about being open and having a safe person be sensitive to your needs, your comfort and safety. To be heard, to be seen and then to be held as you are.
I miss THAT.
Part of me does miss him, and that is expected.
It's a summer of many firsts without him after all. It's bittersweet! But I do not miss him like that anymore...
The loneliness I feel when I think of him is different. It feels more like my best friend died 8 months ago and I'm really sad that we can't talk about the new Kali Uchis album or the movie Oppenheimer or ask him how he's doing anymore. Losing your best friend sucks. I hope you're doing okay bum bum.
I really didn't expect for this entry to go this direction but those were my July thoughts.
I felt lonely. And that's okay. I had a lot of help from so many of my wonderful friends who cheered me up. When Hope and Courage are running low, reach out to your friends. They will pick you up and show you the water, you just have to choose to drink it.
Drink the healing potion Babe. Self Love is an acquired taste.
Anyway, August is here now!
I'm officially another year older.
28? Sure feels like I've lost a lot of fucks to give.
When I hit a low point in July I had to snap myself out of it especially because I was turning 28. Late in July I had to really sit with myself and ask WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANNA DO WITH MY LIFE?? I still don't really have a clear answer because I think the answer is far more complex than I could ever articulate BUT I did come up with a couple things :)
I decided I was going to celebrate my birthday all month, to make up for all the years I let myself take less than what I deserved especially on my birthday. For so many years I've downplayed my very existence and not really celebrated my birthday the way I really wanted to. So I've decided I won't settle for just M&M's from over the counter. I deserve more, I deserve better.
I am currently halfway through my month long celebration and so far I've had an amazing month. The most special days so far have been the best beach day with the best humans, a 9-course dinner date with the hottest babes ever and an art exhibit trolley tour around the exchange district with the sweetest beautiful human being. An honorable mention is watching the new Barbie movie and having Jollibee with one of my favorite people on this planet. MY GOD I TRULY DO HAVE THE BEST FRIENDS IN THE WHOLE WORLD. I love you friends <3 So much.
I also started reading the Artists Way by Julia Cameron. I am sucking so far because I really am not great at waking up early. I am such a night owl I am literally writing this at 2 in the morning (and will probably be editing it til 3 am) when I should be sleeping as I have work tomorrow morning! Ah well.
Anyway, the work that this book is asking of me includes free writing every morning. I've written 2 new songs since I've done this exercise. So that's awesome :)
On top of free-writing, it also asks of you to take yourself out on dates each week. Creative dates. So I've been going on solo gallery visits and taking classes like heels classes. The work has really encouraged me to keep my mind open. I'll check in after 12 weeks or so when I get through the work and let you know what the journey was like. I'm thrilled.
I think for the rest of August I'm gonna try my best to unplug.
The doom-scrolling has been bad lately and has really been discouraging me from doing any investing towards myself. So wish me Luck on that. I'll keep you posted how it goes as well because I'm not gonna lie I am really anxious. I mean, I always am.
This time I think it's because I'm worried I'm failing at Life. Am I? I hope not.
I know it all seems like I have my shit together from the way I present myself 0nline, but really I don't. I am a perfectly curated mess. LOL.
Look. I still cry myself to sleep some nights.
I have moments I wanna give up too.
I worry a lot about whether or not I would sustain myself on this capitalistic world.
I question my own existence and sometimes?
I lose Hope.
28 years and I've learned so much but I also know so little! Being a human being is a conundrum.
Just when you think you have things figured out,
Life keeps going and it gives you more surprises.
But hey, there are things in Life too that offer Hope, right?
The Sunrise will always come the next day to shine, and so..
why should we not do the same?
My friend, and I say this out loud to myself too...
On days when you feel there's no point anymore, remember that
It is enough that you exist.
It's painfully beautiful in so many ways to just be,
and in feeling all the hurt, know that you are not alone.
Your existence is a gift to this world.