I'm not really sure who reads these but I thought I'd write an update since it's been 2 months since I actually published an entry. I've written a couple but just haven't had any courage to share them. I think they're too personal and I'm scared, I'll be honest.
I know I strike as a person who is always so cheerful and vibrant, and I'm very grateful for that part of me, but I find that I haven't been feeling authentically that way lately.
This most recent heartache has been really hitting me hard. Yes I am surviving and doing all the right things to grieve and process all the emotions that come with a break up lately, but I find that the way it's working is sporadically. One week I feel unstoppable and then another week I can't control my tears.
The other day I looked at my phone and noticed the date and it hit me that it was officially 2 months since we parted and I just felt like I walked through a waterfall of grief. How is it that one day you're with someone and you feel one with them, and then one day you are apart as if you didn't mean the world to each other at one point? Love is such a conundrum isn't it? And yet we all just one to experience it. Ah well.
What I'm learning as I go through these feelings is that as scary as they may feel in the moment, they eventually subside once you allow for them to be felt or seen. It's easy to forget that when you're overwhelmed with emotion in the moment as you're emptying your last box of kleenex and you think to yourself "damn I really need to stop crying but why can't i?"...
I'm personally struggling to validate myself because I tend to put too much pressure in myself on being a 'strong-independent-bad-bitch-who-don't-need-no-man', but I'm learning not to do that too much. I'm allowing myself to be soft and delicate too like my heart, but also strong. So I'm learning not to call my ex anymore when I cry because I miss him, or not to find any excuse to go out and drink my sorrows away. (Yes, you read that right, I can be a real hot mess too and I'm okay with that. No judgement here!) I'm learning to listen to my intuition too when I get bad vibes from someone who wants to 'emotionally support me' when really they just want to f*ck and instead just to hold my heart close and to embrace my grief and let it go through me until it's gone. Obviously it comes in waves but I'm learning to swim. I think I'm getting better at it. And slowly and surely I can feel my smile becoming more authentic.
It's a slow and painful process, growth. But beautiful regardless.
The plants in my apartment are reminding me of this process. The one I named Noodle is a spider plant and she's ready to break out of her pot. She wants to be big and is ready for a new home. Kinda like me I guess? I wonder what's next...
That being said though, as hurt and sad and lonely as I've been feeling lately, I've also been excited about the things that are yet to come. New opportunities, new connections and new adventures. I'd spoil all of them but then there wouldn't be any surprise for y'all, hehe.
If there is one thing that I do like about being "single" right now, (and I say single with quotations because let's be real, deep down in my heart I'm still tied down to one person), is the fact that I am finding so much self-reassurance in my independence. I am reminded of how okay I am actually being independent, and that I am capable of so many things being on my own too.
Months ago I felt my world fall apart, now I'm getting up and realizing "oh, the world wasn't falling, I just tripped and fell on my face really hard." I'll be okay though! Just gotta fix up a couple bruises. Maybe with a song or two? or 5? haha. We'll see. My mom always told me to keep myself grounded by remembering where I've been. I've been through some kinda hell y'all, and yet here I am. Still trying to do my best. And honestly? I think that's more than I could ever ask for.
What about you? How's your heart? Your mind and soul? Tell me, I wanna know!
PS. made myself a break up playlist and thought i'd share.