Ugh. BREAK UPS SUCK. SO. MUCH!!!!
If you're going through a break up, babe, I see you. I feel you. I'm with you.
What do you need? How is your heart?
I ask because mine is deteriorating as fast as a half eaten banana.
It feels as though the fabric that is my heart has been ripped into shreds and sewn back together only for it to be torn up again by the shears that is loneliness and bitter memories that invade my thoughts. These sleepless nights can get bad.
UGH! My heart is hurting babes! And I'm sure yours is too...
But hey... healing is a journey that abides by no time.
So as shitty as it may seem right now.. we'll be okay. 'CRY IT OUT' I say.
I mean it's only really been 2 and a half months (for me) so there's no rush. I know I'll be okay eventually! Just ... not right now.
I know it's such a classic metaphor but intense emotions can feel like drowning.
I don't know about you but I'm the kind of person that feels hella scared when I can't feel the ground beneath my feet when I'm in water.
I can kinda swim, sure, but I can't tread water. At all.
It's funny coming from a weak ass swimmer but I think I understand what it means when people say that sometimes your feelings are like the ocean, they're deep and can get pretty wavy. When you don't know how to swim or tread water, this sense of control is lost the moment you lose contact with the ground and so you panic and drown. It's pretty fucking scary.
I can float in my feelings, I can swim in them but holy cow I cannot tread most times.
Maybe I should get back into taking swimming lessons.
What I'm noticing in this dreadfully painful but beautiful process of finding love once again within myself is that I talk about the break up. A lot. Whether it's in my own head, with my therapist, I'll blog about it, call or text my friends and family and even chat with my Uber drivers as most of them have literally seen me cry (many of them also give me great advice).
It's all I talk about lately. This all could sound either hilarious to you or pathetic. Either way I don't care, it's all seems to just be part pf the process for me. I also wear my heart on my sleeve so when someone asks me the question 'how are you today?'... I'm not afraid to show my heart even if it's bruised.
So yes. I talk a lot about how I feel.
My therapist says it's just my temperament as a highly sensitive individual. I feel more intensely than most, therefor I have more to process.
Lately, I've spent most of my nights trying to escape the loneliness that has overcome my day to day. I binge watching anime and pass out on the couch. I mindlessly scroll away on TikTok until I pass out. Or worse, t I just fully cry myself to sleep.
This grieving process is not pretty. Not even in the slightest.
I've come to embrace that though, as many would argue that it's better to go through it now than to postpone it later. Right?! (YAYY! HONOURING YO FEELINGS!)
Anyway! There can be downsides to this temperament too. Just like a storm in the ocean, the waves get real big. The amount of times I feel the rise and fall of my emotions in such a short period of time can get soooooo intense that I exhaust myself until I can't function well in my day to day.
When I'm down, I am soooo down and I'll probably be down for a while. I will often take a couple days and self isolate. I'll work from home. In bed. Cry in between sending emails and then go on about my day listening to emotionally triggering songs like SZA's Nobody Gets Me. While I work in this state, I do such a poor job. My attention is none existent, I can't retain information and I become cold to others around me. I don't like myself when I'm like that especially when I start to make poor decisions. And boy do I make so many of them when I'm not in a great headspace. Tsk tsk. So I try again!!!
I find that I am so hard on myself even more so than I already am. There is a lot of self-blame and shaming. Self-invalidation is not great! So I do my best not to linger in that dark place.
Thankfully I have many people in my life that remind me of the good things in life that make it worth while. Thanks friends <3
As difficult as it can get when I am feeling so many negative things, I find that talking about it is also the reason why I get so much support. My own reckless vulnerability is what saves me from the darkest places I've stepped into. The moment I reach out to people that I trust, the closer I become to them. The more vulnerable I am, the more connections I invite in my heart. The more deep and genuine these connections are, the more I feel seen and the less difficult life seems. Suddenly I'm not alone anymore and I'm listening to Special by Lizzo on repeat.
I guess all I'm saying is, right now in the middle of all this ocean deep loneliness and grief, I've been struggling to tread in my emotions. It's like I'm stuck staring up into the sky floating and wondering ... 'will this end? this emptiness?'
And yes, I know it will but I can't see myself moving forward and swim to a direction unless I tread the waters.
I've swam in my sorrow, I've drowned in my tears, I've floated in my emptiness.
I've had many occasions where friends toss me a nice life saver and that's been nice.
But now I have to learn how to tread so I can stop and look around me and then swim to a direction that I choose. I just want to be able to see so I can choose.
What's holding me back is fear. A part of me doesn't believe that I can tread waters because I'm convinced that no matter what I do to try I will fail and drown.
But I guess I won't really know until I try. And I mean actually try.
FUUUUUCK. I'm scared but also FUCK IT. I have to try.
So each day when I mess up, that's just when I'll learn.
And I guess that's just what life is... swimming lessons.