Dear reader entry #04
I don't actually know who reads these entries, but whoever you are, it's nice to see you here again. How are you today? I hope you're well.
If you're from Winnipeg, are you keeping warm and hydrated? The weather is starting to get rough now and I hope you are staying cozy.
If you're not from Winnipeg.. I'm not sure what to say! I wonder where you're from and wherever you are I hope that you're okay. Truly.
October felt like forever. Right? Anyone else feel this way?
I heard it was eclipse season or something. EEEEE!
Perhaps that played a part as to why the feeling of forever this past month was so intense.
Everything was overwhelming.
I did so much in October! I went to Kelowna, played some shows. Went home, played some more shows and then jumped right into rehearsals for an awesome theatre production and then closed it just this weekend. And now it's November!
I feel like I've just done so much in a little amount of time. So much to think about, too.
It was really nice to see the weather change though. It finally felt like Fall for the first 2.5 weeks of October. The leaves elegantly transformed from green to gold and then descended onto the ground gracefully. Made me feel a little nostalgic and vampirical. Spooky season was a vibe. Halloween night was fun.
ANYWAY. How am I?
I think I'm ok. Surviving. Feeling a lot of things. Processing.
Personal. Professional. Spiritual. It's been a lot.
I can't help but keep talking about this heartbreak I'm going through. I'm sure y'all are getting sick of it. I'm not sure how I feel about it anymore, honestly. It feels so recent but also so far. Time just makes it feel like you are getting farther and farther away, and it doesn't really hit you how far you've come until you take the time to look back.
I tend to look back a lot.
It meant that much to me I guess.
And yes, I still feel the space. It's not as bad though! The pain that it comes with.
I used to cry for hours about it but now I just feel cold, nostalgic.
Just like the fall. Now snow.
And somewhat vampirical, in a way that it sucks the joy out of me sometimes.
Not all the time though! Thank goodness.
But hey! Cheers to being single for almost a year!
It feels ... really nice. I love it.
I've grown to love the quiet and I'm really proud of that. I like my own company a lot, I do.
I used to be so scared of being alone. Now I sorta like it.
Obviously the craving to connect will always be there. I yearn to connect all the time but lately I have just been having a hard time trusting people. I can hear the call to continue this time of basking in my own peace.
Obviously fun is always fun but fun hasn't been as fun as it should be. FUN is not worth it when it makes you feel like shit after. Besides I know that at the end of the day, what I really want is a connection. A deeply profound one. And those are hard to come by nowadays. Nobody I've met seems to really wanna take care of me like that. So no prospects. Besides, it takes so much out of my Time. I have no time for games. I would rather be alone and invest in myself.
Exploring, learning and growing into the person who I want to be.
Speaking of which... that's something that's been on my mind lately.
What do I do next? Things are shifting and I can feel it. I was telling my friends how I feel like I'm going through some kind of transformation. My energy levels are resetting, my focus is shifting, something is happening. Is this what it feels like to finally love yourself first? It feels empowering but also scary.
This self-love journey has been quite the wild rollercoaster ride. And it's only just beginning. I'm sure I'm not the only one going through this. So if you're feeling the same things love, I see you. We got this.