Okay I'll be honest.
This is probably the 5th time I've attempted to write to you. There are so many drafts in my draft folder but I simply haven't been able to gather up the courage to share my thoughts up until now. I didn't wanna write and share them when there was just so much unprocessed emotion. But after a couple therapy sessions, cry sessions and some nights out both solo and with some friends, I feel more like myself again.
The past 2 months have been a whole rollercoaster.
Life is like that I guess. Consistently.
Anyway, I've been in a show the past 2 months! It's been so delightful, it has been bringing me so much joy. This role has been a gift to me, too. On days when I just feel like I don't have it in me to be present for the world, I go to work, put on that costume and BOOM.
I'm there. And I have so much fun. I leave the theatre with some kind of new vigor. It's great! I am also so lucky to share the stage with an incredibly loving collection of humans. My days get better the moment I walk into the space, all thanks to them. I'll be missing this group for sure once the contract ends.
Speaking of endings, has it really been 6 months of being single for me? Hell yeah, WHAT A TREAT!!! It's been a lovely time of rediscovering myself and falling in love soooo deeply with me. My independence has lead me back to my peace, but also to NEW fun. I've been making really great connections and discoveries within myself.
It's funny because I used to think I feared being "alone", but now that I've been put in a situation where I have to be, I've come to really like my own company. I have so much fun! And because of that I somewhat prefer to just be on my own now. I've gone out by myself so many times and those solo nights have often led to me meeting new people or reconnecting with old friends and then having opportunities to deepen those relationships. It really put things in perspective for me how being tied down to a relationship the past 7 years-ish, I haven't been able to exercise my independence for a long time. I was always thinking of my person and forgetting about myself. It's nice to feel important.
Not gonna lie though, it does get lonely every once in a while. However, I think this time of solitary I'm in has really lead me back to myself again. The self that I've just kept buried for a while because my life was ruled by men that I was in love with. Sheesh. What fools become of people when in love.
No regrets though, just lessons learned.
Dealing with the hurt has been a journey of course.
Some nights I will literally stay up until the sun rises because the bed feels too big, and some nights I simply dance away the sorrows and come home to myself feeling content. It's different every day but one thing stays consistent, and that is me. I'm still here :)
And you know what? I feel proud of myself. 3 months ago I was a delusional babe, madly in love and hopelessly heartbroken. I was not ready to let go and I was convinced I was not gonna cope well. But here I am now, sinking deeper into this ocean of Love for no one else but me. I feel so abundant in a way despite the stupid capitalistic world we live in. LOL. That's for another entry one day.. But back to me. I am just happy to feel that I am growing. The 'going through it' part can really suck sometimes but the moments where I am just present, content and grateful make it so worth it. I've also been falling in love with my friends. Holy fuck am I ever blessed to have such a great circle of friends that are here for both the good and bad times. They've all picked up my calls, wiped my tears, danced the night away and fed me with so much love. Hold onto your friends y'all! Nurture those relationships because they make life so magical and worthwhile.
The question now that I seem to be asked lately is if Hera is in the market...?
I had to ask myself this too and the answer I've chosen is NO. I AM NOT.
I am not looking for anyone anytime soon, nor am I interested in 'sneaky links'.
If you have nothing meaningful to offer, go away.
If it's not genuine, grounded and fun, I'm not interested.
What's next for me then ? A question I hate but am cursed as a human to always ask..
I have no fucking clue, I just know that what's next is going to be BIG and AMAZING.
Now seems to be a time of preparation. I believe that my Saturn Return is about to start. If you didn't know what the Saturn Return is you should read about it HERE.
I'm both scared and excited about what's next for me. But I can feel it. I'm ready.
Before I go I'd like to share a couple things that have been bringing me joy lately:
1. Lavender iced matcha lattes with oat milk from Rosé Coffee & Wine or from Fools & Horses. MY GOD THEY ARE SO GOOD.
2. Love letters from my friends. The best gifts ever!
3. The budding snake plant in the indoor garden of my apartment. It was such a surprise to see if just pop out of nowhere!!! I can't wait for it to bloom.
4. The new Janelle Monae album, AGE OF PLEASURE... Simply ICONIC. Listen to it when you can!
5. The new romance that is budding between 2 of my dearest friends. Something about new love that brings me so much hope and joy. Their romance is making me look forward to my next Love. WHOEVER YOU ARE YOU BETTER BE READY WHEN I COME AROUND. I'll see you soon!
with Love,
H <3
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