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  • Writer's pictureResilient Chameleon

Dear reader entry #05

I have this really horrible habit of starting entries and never finishing them. I've probably written this 5th entry at least 7 times before this very one that I'm working and I hope I do end up finishing it. Here goes...

Hey, how's it going?

If you're still reading my entries, wow. Thank you so much for tuning into my ever so random thoughts on my life as I navigate its unpredictable nature.

It's been....5 months since I last published an entry and so much has happened since then.

I revisited my last entry and realized how different I was then in terms of headspace.

I love that at the time I was so optimistic. Perhaps the new year brought that energy.

The past 5 months have been insanely busy for me. I've travelled so much and have worked on 2 productions back to back, which I've never done before in my entire acting career. What a feat it truly was to pull off, and boy am I glad to be finally be out of shows now. My body simply needs to rest.

deep breaths.

Today I am writing and it's 5:30 am. I haven't slept yet, I was doom scrolling and feeding my cows on Township in between social media apps. I think my mind has been trying to numb itself after having gone through 2 high stimulating theatre productions where my body was pushed to its limits. And to add to that, I think I am also trying to escape the emotional weight of feeling extremely lonely these days. It's been really hard the past couple of months if I'm being completely honest... I've been very fortunate to have someone who can envelop me in their arms and welcome me into their home every now and then, however, the loneliness I feel even in their embrace cuts so deep especially because at the end of the day, underneath this independent boss bitch that "can keep things casual" is a big baby that just wants to be taken care of, pampered and loved exclusively. And no, this is not one of those one sided situationships... Instead, it is one of those "right person, wrong time" moments. It sucks. I'll survive though.

Although it pains me to know that this current connection offers no guarantee of the next level in a romantic relationship, I do appreciate it reminding me of the feeling of being in love again. Or something extremely close to that. It's nice to know that I'm still capable of letting someone in despite all the heartache I've gone through.

I do feel though that, if I'm not careful, I will fall so hard on my ass and down the slippery slope of love and could fuck myself over. I don't think I can handle another heartbreak just yet.

Thank heavens for work because it keeps my mind preoccupied. I am happy to be spending time working on my skills as a performer and I am always happy to be creating new things. I've been working with music producers, writing songs and also doing shows both in theatre and as a solo act or with my band lately. I think things are going well on that end. I am continuing to do better and better every day. It feels nice.

I believe the Lonely, when it's there, is just the surface. Underneath it, I think, is a fear of not having a person or a community that I can really trust, or where I can just be my authentic self and be accepted. Lately I've been assessing so many friendships and connections in my life, asking myself things like "does this person or space contribute to my life in a positive way? do they really accept me for me or is it just taking advantage of me or sucking the life out of me?"... It's an uncomfortable place to be, and it gets very lonely especially when you realize you need to cut someone or something off, or just create space in between. Protecting your peace and putting yourself first gets really lonely. My circle continues to shrink to this day. And that's okay too. I've come to terms with that over time. The challenge is finding healthy ways to cope with the lonely. I love spending time by myself, don't get me wrong. I just have to get better at doing it. If I come up with things that work I'll write about it and share it with all of you.

Anyway, that's the life update.

I'm okay, I am here and I'm still smiling.

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