Dear reader entry #03
Updated: Oct 12
Just checking in!
It's me. Quarter to 6am and writing to you with river flowing tears from my eyes.
I can't sleep.
I heard he found someone new.
(I mean I've known for a while now it's just so shitty to see the proof and to know it's the same person he was unfaithful to me with).
You can't really prepare yourself enough for that, can you? I didn't have to see it. But life is funny and things sometimes make its way back to you.
AND self-destruction is like an itch that wants to be scratched.
And silly me just HAD TO SCRATCH. Too harshly to the point of bleeding. (I'm no the only one that does this, right?
So now I'm crying. I did this.
I realize now too that it was 10 months ago today, we broke up. Coincidence? Perhaps.
Anyway, GRIEF IS A BITCH.
I haven't cried like this in months you know? I was distracted.
For a while I felt so unstoppable and strong, focusing on myself, my mental health, my friendships, my family. At one point I was thinking about how I was slowly forgetting what he looked like. I felt free.
And then BOOM.
A wave hit.
When waves hit
I fall apart.
Then I let the wave simply take me away.
I am still hurting.
And that's okay!
I think that's normal. Healthy even? (Not the scratching my itch part obviously. I still gotta keep working on that. I'M ON IT!)
Losing someone you love is pain i cannot even describe, I just feel it.
To me it's like drowning in the vast ocean of space that there is between you and your once was person. You see them float away farther and farther and the more you try to swim to them in the middle of the shit storm you're in, the faster you drown to your death.
So you try to keep yourself afloat and next thing you know they are just gone and there is nothing you can do that can bring them back. They are gone.
You know I used to tell him how when I'd die, doctors will open me up for autopsy and find that in every vein in my body there will be parts of him because I loved him with all of my being. And I meant that. I really did.
Perhaps that's why I hurt in every part of me, too.
From the ghost of his touch to the memory of how he looked at me with his mysterious eyes. It hurts to remember knowing it is all gone. or that it may have all been a facade to make me stay. (I'm still processing this)...
There is still so much that I feel. Some loss of self. A loss of Love.
So much grief from the deepest betrayal.
So much guilt from ever loving someone even after they've hurt me again and again.
How could I have ever abandoned myself like that?
I deserve better. Right? That's what all my friends tell me and I think they're right.
I know I've appeared to be "doing well". I am but I'm not always.
Social media is an infinite space to get creative with stories y'know? I can keep playing the narrative of the unbothered boss bitch all the time but I'd be lying to you.
So here's the truth.
Yes I'm doing well but I'm also not okay. I'm not ok right now.
Some nights are tough.
Sometimes the waves hit harder and resisting only hurts.
Sometimes I have to surrender to the feeling and just let it out.
It can be scary but I have to feel.
But hey! I'll live. I know I'm going to be fine after.
The only way out is through,
I can be a boss bitch and still be grieving too.
I can miss and love someone and hurt but also know that what's best for me was to let go.
It won't always feel this shitty.
I think It's important to also share these moments of sadness. I'm not romanticizing them in any way. I am simply sharing a human experience.
The sad gets really sad sometimes. It's all part of the process.
I know I'm strong but strong doesn't mean "turn off your feelings".
Sometimes strength means to succumb to your emotions and just own being a human being. So go right ahead. Feel.